Disengaged

"Watch how you talk, watch where you walk, nigga" - Mr. Cheeks, Supposed To (featuring Floetry)

We're just under two months shy of the anniversary of Aaron's death. In a week, it will be exactly a year from our last conversation (online, of course. It was a Saturday night. We talked Justice League Unlimited and our shared curse of falling in love with "crazy" women). This week, I've been thinking a lot about how I've interacted with the online world, the blog world, since his passing.

In general, I've disconnected from my emotional connection with a lot of the 'virtual' people. This space has become far less intimate. With LAist (and at work), I've turned blogging into a job. It is a job I love and enjoy but it is no longer a complete digital representation of who I am.

It wasn't by design, necessarily. I made a conscious decision to detach a bit. I couldn't deal with the weirdness of attempting to deal with the very real emotions of anger, sadness and frustration in this unreal place. I simply no longer wanted to read and write about my friend who died in a way I can't, don't and won't understand.

And, apparently, I didn't want to risk feeling trapped like a ghost in a machine again. I haven't made any new strictly online friends in that time. I read fewer and fewer blogs that act as diaries. With rare exception, I've pulled back from old virtual relationships. Not by design, necessarily, but I've been protecting myself.

I realized that this week as another blog world birthday approached and I was at a loss for words. At a loss for connection and relavence. I felt separate, am separate, from most of those with whom I once talked with every day.

Hell, I don't even write in my livejournal anymore and only like 5 people read that.

I'm not sure if I'm hiding, if I've just found the balance between the real world and this one that works for me or if this will pass and I'll return to the journal with bloggish tendencies that negro please once was.

I seriously doubt the latter.

I miss it and I don't.

It's almost a year since Aaron died and  359 days since he and I last talked and I'm just taking stock of how weird this virtual world has gotten for me without him in it.

Comments

[sungoddess]

I noticed that over the last year... at one point, there were no updates... I know, I kept checking. All I can tell you is I like your blog... I think you can write, I like coming here, and am interested enough to do my fangirl thing across a number of sites... My best friend died almost five years ago, lukiemia (and fast it took her), so I know what it takes out of you to say goodbye to someone. Stick around here though, mate. No need to turn into a blog pig, just show up every once in a while, be profound and go LIVE!!!

[Hashim]

When Aaron died I felt strange because even though we never spoke to each other I was a regular reader and felt like I had an intimate relationship with him.

[ej]

My blog has become a jukebox of sorts. Even my non-jukebox blog has become more of an attempt to write down feelings and reconnect.

I'm thinking that it's gotta heppen soon. Disengaging has been happening amongst all of us, not just you. I long for the outstretched hand to pull me (us) out of this, but that's a cop out.

Let's hope I can look within instead of always being without.

[drublood]

"Let's hope I can look within instead of always being without"

Thank you, ej. And thanks, Jason. Strangely, I feel the opposite. It's more difficult for me to write about political/social issues without Aaron around to play off of. He was definitely some kind of muse, inspiration, and sage.

I miss him.

[nOva "blink and you missed me" Slim]

I see where you're coming from. A lot of blogs have (d)evolved into a source of infotainment. I'm not sure what everyone's reasons are for this, but choosing between personal and pop can be a struggle in itself. I think to get back to what we started doing, people need to sit at their keyboards and instead of saying "I feel like blogging today", they need to simply say "I feel today".

[Trish]

Jason,
I "know you" from the Starting Over message boards and I thing you are a wonderful man! I am so sorry for the loss of your friend, as well as the recent loss of your job. I'm releived for you that you seem cool with moving on from Bunim/Murray, but we will truly miss you there!! You were the voice of reason in a place that is falling apart! I hope you will continue to blog here, so I can continue to get to know you, as you have some wonderful insights! Best wishes to you and to your staff from SO from your "fans" on the SO site!!

[Bink]

I've been disengaged as well. I'm trying to make strides back, slowly.

This is the first I'm hearing of Aaron's death. I had the wonderful opportunity to meet him at a dinner party in April of 2004. I found his ideas riveting and his conversation interesting. He had a lot to say and share.

I'm wondering as a writer, will you be able to tell while not looking? Can you write without focusing on your audience to allow your thoughts to flourish regardless of who views?

[Danyel]

I'm sad to hear you're pulling back, but glad you're doing what's good for you. The blog thing is new to me ... so it's like those first days of falling in love ... fun, exciting, and the faceslaps that sting like hell.

One day at a time.