"I'm gonna make you wanna get with me tonight" - Mariah Carey, Your Girl
First, a quick note that SXSW featured me and last week's Wayback Machine post on Monday. What topics would you like to see during next year's conference?
The female monk asked about humor. I remarked to Miss Jones and Miss Martini last week that I missed when negro please was regularly funny. So, here we are. I don't think this is the funniest thing I've written but I like it because it covers a time in the early part of my friendship with the two funniest people I know. It features dialogue, which I generally think I'm best at writing humorously. And, really, it's a story about breasts and that is always good times. Some other posts of note: My Sense of Humor and The Last Nigger on Hiatus.
So, after a discussion of herpes and a round of fisting, a man named Teeters told me that Jen had nice titties.
But let's begin at the beginning...
Jessica had a birthday party and Jen was invited and I'm her plus one so I got to tag along. Jen told me beforehand that Jessica was excited that I was coming, which immediately put me on edge. Should I wear a whacky hat or an arrow through my head and say wocka wocka a lot so as not to dissapoint? Do I have more than 5 minutes of material? This, really, is the most important question. In a room of clever people, can you put out your fair share of punchlines and witticisms so as to not be revealed to be a boring loser?
According to Jessica, I did okay. Arm over my shoulder she said, "I just want to tell you that you're such a good kid and you're so funny and you're such a good writer and I love your website and I would totally hire you to write."
Well, when you're right, you're right. She continued on, "And I just don't understand why we don't have boyfriends and girlfriends. I mean A) We're Hot; and B) we're intelligent..."
"And 3)," I suggested, "We're so hot."
Which is so true.
What is also true is that Jessica is the most complimentary drunk ever. I was feeling really good about myself and really special until I heard similar exchanges with several others. "You're such a good kid," she would say, "And you're so funny and fuck your boss." or something to that effect to just about everyone.
I asked for clarification, "But they're not as funny as me, right?"
"They are funny but, no, not as funny as you," she whispered loudly in my ear. And then she kissed me on the cheek.
And then she and Jen put their fists in their mouths and it all went downhill.
Or uphill, if your name is Teeters and you really like to look at my friend's teeters.