"I'm like Zorro, I'll mark an E on your back." - EPMD, You Gots to Chill (Strictly Business)
So, after a discussion of herpes and a round of fisting, a man named Teeters told me that the hsw had nice titties.
But let's begin at the beginning...
JEM had a birthday party and the hsw was invited and I'm her plus one so I got to tag along. The hsw told me beforehand that JEM was excited that I was coming, which immediately put me on edge. Should I wear a whacky hat or an arrow through my head and say wocka wocka a lot so as not to dissapoint? Do I have more than 5 minutes of material? This, really, is the most important question. In a room of clever people, can you put out your fair share of punchlines and witticisms so as to not be revealed to be a boring loser?
According to JEM, I did okay. Arm over my shoulder she said, "I just want to tell you that you're such a good kid and you're so funny and you're such a good writer and I love your website and I would totally hire you to write."
Well, when you're right, you're right. She continued on, "And I just don't understand why we don't have boyfriends and girlfriends. I mean A) We're Hot; and B) we're intelligent..."
"And 3)," I suggested, "We're so hot."
Which is so true.
What is also true is that JEM is the most complimentary drunk ever. I was feeling really good about myself and really special until I heard similar exchanges with several others. "You're such a good kid," she would say, "And you're so funny and fuck your boss." or something to that effect to just about everyone.
I asked for clarification, "But they're not as funny as me, right?"
"They are funny but, no, not as funny as you," she whispered loudly in my ear. And then she kissed me on the cheek.
And then she and the hsw put their fists in their mouths and it all went downhill.
Or uphill, if your name is Teeters and you really like to look at my friend's teeters.
Other Notes:...according to the hsw, Justin looks like Philip McKeon...Guinness is good. Like really good. Especially in Irish Carbombs...My Complex/Simplex line was the best of the night...a lazy girl, a mister zero, and a dancing brave were also there...Strange Man took a picture of the hsw's breasts without asking for permission. She did not ask Strange Man for eighteen dollars like I suggested...the third lemon drop martini is one too many for this negro...I really want to buy Enter the Matrix to soothe my inner-geek but I've spent all my money on drinks.