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April 02, 2003



I don't have a question for you, only a comment. You are considered an Uncle Tom because you said, "I date white women". Yep. I am sure you have heard that name before. Unfortunately I have been called that name many times before as well. When I logged onto your website, your first reply from the woman with the "men like you" comment let me know where she stood. I suppose that in this regard black men can claim the double-standard argument. Black women who date white men either occassionally or exclusively are somehow "liberated". But black men who date white women are giving into the "institutional programming" that makes all black men covet the white woman. Funny isn't it. It would seem that very few people saw the main issue that your post was addressing. Perhaps you should have said, "I date white women" at the end of your post. I rather enjoyed your post, and understood the intent of it. I am sorry that everyone else didn't. Incidentally you have a great website.



first, it was very intentional of me to use the phrasing "White girls" as opposed to "White women." Just about every person I know uses the phrase that way in discussions - "Oh, he dates white girls", "He went out and got himself a white girl", undercover brother style "He had sex with a white girl!"

Second, I understand the frustration that many black women feel. As we get more successful, it gets harder to find people that are of similar stature that are from our community. So, if it's important to you to be with someone black, seeing a black man date white women or outside the community exclusively is frustrating, problematic and puts limits on her ability to create a family of her own.

I have the same problem. There are exactly 4 black women in my office out of 150 or so people. 2 are married, 1 has a boyfriend, and the other dates white guys. Now, nevermind whether or not I'm attracted to them, we have similar interests, blah blah blah...that's the entire pool of black women I see on a daily basis. In the circles I hang out with, in the places I go to, in the neighborhood I live in, the numbers are slim.

So, what does that mean? Does that mean I should be making more pilgrimages to places, spots, neighborhoods that have more black people in them so that I can find a black woman to date? I don't know. I've never lived in a majoratively black neighborhood, I've never had majoratively black friends, I've never felt that tug to seek it out. I've always lived in a very multicultural environment and that's where I'm most comfortable and that's what my life is.

That's why I expect that my relationships, my family, my existence will always be pretty damn multicultural and mixed.

And that's what I mean when I say it is what it is.


I don't think you're an uncle tom. I think you're *wonderful*. Come to New York and you have a date, and I'll even let you pay! Otherwise, rock on with whoever you rock on with out in el lay, and kudos to yudos for bringing it all up. There is a dearth in the black community of open-minded black folks--IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY CONGREGATE. That's true. You need someone to let you into the club, essentially. I've been lucky. I had a friend from waaay back who I ran into in the street one day after 8 years of no-contact. She happened to be the most plugged-in woman int he world, and that was my "in." You gotta find an in, if black wimmins is what yr searching for. It's hard, tho. It's good to hear someone else say it for once.

j. brotherlove

If I was an Asian girl, I'd date you, Jason.

j. brotherlove

But, seriously...

I was thinking about this post (your last post, actually) and I started thinking about how although I almost exclusively date black men that I am also, almost exclusively unhappy with the selection. Let's face it, I am not your average black man. There's nothing wrong with an average black man, mind you—I'm fond of them. But, in my years of dating (and I've covered quite a bit of ground), I have rarely found a black man or woman who has shared enough of my interests. The ones that do are taken or we don't vibe that way. My relationship with Loverboy highlighted that "tolerance" and "acceptance" just isn't enough.

And that sucks.

When I see the films I really want to see or attend a play, art exhibit, sometimes concert that floats my boat, by and large, I am one of the few blacks in attendance. This suggests my ideal mate may. not. be. black. Theoretically, I don't have a problem accepting that. Realistically, I so hate these justification conversations and don't want to participate in them. I am chickenshit, I suppose. And for that reason, while I don't actively reject dating non-black, I don't pursue it either. I could be missing out on something great.


more on this: i just got out of a 3 yr. relationship with a lovely Af Am lady and i have to say the majority of the time we were together I felt like I was one of those people who gets off dating "exotic" chicks. Now if you saw us together you'd think "lookee there! two beautiful black gals holding hands...?! what the f***?? Did they just kiss??" but the fact of the matter is that we were raised in communities of thought and expression that are polar opposites and that fact spoke more to how we were able to be with each other (and eventually how we were NOT) than any other single dynamic in our relationship. We are/were both fabulous people but there is just no way matching skin color is ever going to transcend the ability to really know, grow and empathize with a person. Bottom line is attraction based on qualities should trump any discussion of who should be with who according to color. BTW I read your "ideal girl" post and I really hope you find her. Then I really hope she figures out she's bi- so you can share her with a sistah...


Well, the only thing I can say to you Jason is this . . .

There's a silver lining in the clouds my friend:

Alias star Jennifer Garner dumped her goofy husband, actor Scott Foley.

If I were you Jason, I'll make that move.

Send one of your illest romantic love poems to her and let the sparks fly, my brotha.

This is a sign dude, go for it!

Don't be fooled by the rock (diamond) that she's got, Jenny is now on the block!

Oh Yeah!

Hee Hee!


on one hand, my sense of responsibility to my community, my belief that as a people, we of the disenfranchised have too often been parcelled off and sold a doctrine of assimilation to our detriment, effects even my romantic choices.

on the other hand, rarely have i happened upon a white man who is comfortable with all of me. he likes my extensive vocabulary but not the way my mother taught me to season food. he loves my intellect but can't run his fingers through hair this nappy. i give a mean blowjob but will not pledge allegiance to the flag.

it reminds me of the issue i found most poignant in your previous post. that idea that we are expected to deny some part of ourselves in order for our relationships with non-white partners to work. i, like you, refuse to be dissected any longer. i will not be cut away from my bones to be more easily consumed. and so i find i am no longer attracted to men who do not share my history and my values, no matter how hard such a man may try.

because a white man wearing a kufi and listening to gil scott-heron is not the same as being black in america. there are a great many white men who self-identify with black culture, but that lacks believablity and smacks of co-optation in my view. i simply choose not to engage.

but these are individual choices. we each must live our truth. i encourage you in your search for yours.


so this is something that bugs me alot. dating white women. torn up inside - just out of a really fucked up relationship with a white women. confused inside as to her motives. was she into me just because im dark? to make matters worse for me i had a couple of girls express some interest in me. all of them were white. it was really confusing for me - i feel really confused as to motivating forces concerning relationships between people of color and white people. to me none of that shit matters. ill be with whoever i want to be with. but i always have this aching question of motivation and at times cannot see past a few things within certain types of people. is it some sort of exotic attraction or is it someone looking to piss off their conservative parents or is it some obsessive behavior related to a fascination with a culture other then your own. the funniest thing for me is that since having been with a white women and falling in love with her, i have a new found attraction for white women. in the end it doesnt matter one bit to me!


Don't sweat it Jason. I'm married to a white guy, and people can be harsh. Love across the color/race line doesn't mean that you don't love your own.


Two words: DO YOU

It's a shame to see people give the reaction that they do when it's put out in the open what another man/woman's dating preference is... I'm a white male who predominantly dates black women, and I get flak for it all the time. Now, if I said 'I prefer blondes' or 'I love me some redheads' or 'I am diggin on that brunette over there', I wouldn't hear any of it... but since my preference is of a "different" skin color, people wanna give me shit... pardon my french, but ya know what? Fuck 'em! They can start worrying about who you date when they start providing for you, know what I mean?

Okay, so that was more than 2 words... my bad :-)


you know jason, i think i love you. and although i am black and probably older than you...that's probably where it stops. my voice isn't cute...it's sexy. :-)

seriously though, i believe that in your being so brutally honest you incite much needed discussions and i love you for that.


My God.


I dont see anything wrong with dating out of the circles of your own race, but I do see something wrong with an individual who does not recognize nor appreciate the beauty of his own heritage. Not to say that you don't, but to first say you are "open to just about everything" then later state that the ethnic you notice more often are asian & biracials leaves me to believe that you aren't as open as say. maybe unconsiously, you are closing doors...
(p.s. - if it does matter, i did read the part about you being attracted to a black woman...)


Everyone is always quick to say "keep an open mind," but I find that implicit in that plea is the underlying sentiment "keep the mind open, but land on my square of beliefs, as i am right." It's hard enough for my to manage my own moral inventory, I don't pretend to be qualified to manage other people's. When i'm ready for that job, I'll breed, and start with my own kids and hope they live by my examples when my example is right and just and set their own if they feel I'm off kilter. That said, it inspires me when people are capable of loving other humans with the fullness of their hearts, of loving people because they are funny or bright or kind or an interesting combination of weird and sane and hot. While it's true you can't escape politics - I don't hink it's immportant to let other people's politics govern you, especially in matters of the heart and the pants.

No matter what the subject, when people tell me how to live my life, because they know what's best, I smile and nod and say thanks, and do whatever I want. Works like a charm. I back whatever makes your heart soar.


well...this sure has turned into an interesting discussion, hasn't it?
; )


I'm biracial. Having said that, I can also say that I've been approached by Black men who tell me that one of the reasons they are attracted to me is because I am not "fully" Black. I'm not too white, but not too Black. I'm sure many biracial, mixed, or even light skinned Black women have experienced similar situations.

Those types of Black men who hate their Black heritage so much give a bad name to "open-minded" brothas like you who date "in spite of" race.

While the bitterness that some Black women feel when they see a Black man and white woman together may not be logical, please understand that it comes from hundreds of years of being told that Black is ugly. Being the product of an interracial marriage/union, I understand the beauty of two people crossing those "racial boundaries" and coming together in the name of love or something like it. Unfortunately, Black men who date white girls solely because they're white overshadow those men whose intentions are on a different level.

This probably makes no sense, but whatever.


ya know what... i date white girls, too. oh should i say white women? as an asian girl, well, i can't help but womanize my lust ;-) buhhhrrriiinnngg it ooowwwwnn....... haaaaa.......

The Defender

People have the right to love whom they want to love. I'm a black woman and my man is white, but just because we love each other doesn't mean I have anything against black men, because I don't. Nor does it mean my man doesn't like white women. People who lament about interracial parings shouldn't worry about what the next couple is doing.


i think that people should be with whoever they want. we black women cannot obsess over the fact that some black guys date white women. if that is what they choose to do then so be it. you cant take it as a personal insult. im approached by white man every day of my life but never thought that they were ashamed of or unattracted to white women. let people be happy and live. life is already stressful enough without taking on the issues of others.

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