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April 01, 2003

Comments

tllgrrl

oh yeah...i smell ya alright.
maybe i'm reading something into what you said, but you did say "I date White girls."
not "I tend to...", which would make me think at least you'd at least consider dating a black woman. (or "girl"...whatever...)
see, i've met many brothers like you. met. but not dated, because they were already dating. white girls, that is.
and no, it's not because i have a problem with it. i've dated white men. but not to the exclusion of black men.
it's just that brothers crack me up when they say they don't date white girls deliberately. negro, please. men date who/what they're attracted to.
(or what they're programmed to be attracted to)
anyway, just wanted to leave a comment because your post made me wonder...

George

tllgirl: Respectfully, Jason did say "I tend to," after a fashion.

[...] I guess what this really is is a kind of prenuptial to whomever I end up spending my life with. I suspect it will be someone with a different ethnic makeup than me as that tends to be my deal. [...]

I take this snippet as a codicil to his earlier declarative statement about dating preference, meaning that he hasn't entirely ruled out dating women of color.

And hey -- *big bemused grin* -- as far as I know, he's not dating anyone right now ...

nkomomo

Yeah, I used to date white guys. I guess I still do. I decided last year to date only "men of color" and of the three I've found, only one was my shade. He was a grad student who ultimately relived a childhood of being disliked for his intelligence on a daily basis. He models himself after Theodore Adorno, which should tell you enough abotu him right there. I found one nice guy a couple of weeks ago, black and smart and liberal and only vaguely spiritual (which is important, because I'm atheist/agnostic), but he forgot to disclose that he lives with his girlfriend. Whatever. My last dude was a white guy from North Caolina who was so obsessed with black culture that he talked in ebonics and converted to Islam and attends a Mosque in Harlem. I grew sick of him. At the end of the day, he was just acting like a part of the community, but was really yearning for a white picket fence, a woman to raise his children and screw him, and a home in a small town where he could be confused in peace. whatever.

What AM I getting at? I date white folks because it has been nigh on impossible to find a man in the black community who didn't look to God for all his answers, who didn't hate the gay community, who actually had information to back up his opinions and who was smart like me. But now, as I grow more and more comfortable in the black community and more and more aware of the racism around me, I'm scared to get too involved with white folks. So many of my white friends seriously say stuf like what's on Black People Love us that it makes me want to cry sometimes. There's no one to tell it to. I guess that's why I blog.

monique

Dang, tllgrrl. Just call my boy out why don't you.

This post made me think too. I have two cousins that date white women exclusively and I will admit that I have let it bother me from time to time. I should feel like a hypocrite since I come from an interracial marriage and home, but I don't. There is something about black men who take a stand and say they are only going to date women who aren't black that gets my dander up.

That being said, I don't think that is Jason's deal. I think that he has had mostly white/other ethnicity girlfriends and I don't think that is a bad thing. In junior high and high school I had crushes on all the white boys because that's who I went to school with. It had less to do with a personal preference for a different ethnicity and more to do with the fact that I went to school with WHITE PEOPLE.

We southern california kids tend to have a different outlook than most other people I think. We live in this huge homogenous mixing pot where everyone and everything is supposed to be equal.

Anyway, cut my boy some slack.

j. brotherlove

The interracial dating deal has never been a significant dot on my radar. Sure, if it's a product of self-hatred, then that's not a good thing. But, guessing why two people like each other is specious and judging why they love one another, a disrespectful endeavor. So I try not to do it.

In theory, I'd date a man or women of any ethnicity. In reality, I date black men, almost exclusively. This has more to do with access I think than anything else. I don' date coworkers. And I'm not around non-black gay men in a casual atmosphere long enough to get my mojo working.

My brother has always dated non-black women. My mother would caution him when we were in high school. "That girl may like you. But, her parents are what you have to look out for." Unsurprisingly, my brother married a white woman.

So what.

el cabong

I smell ya JT. And we can live wherever you want to, OK sweetie? - CT

deshigrrrl

interesting post.. tho i tend to agree with j. why does it matter? and why put any limitations on who you may or may not be attracted to? seems rather silly, eh?

anyways, i have this *thing* for black women.. and in all fairness, before i discovered my sexuality, i had a *thing* for black men. perhaps it's the darkness of the skin which resembles my own.. i don't know. but i just have this *thing*..

but that's not to say i'd limit myself in that way. i've almost exclusively dated black women but have never dated white men or women, barring a weekend fling with a japanese/french gal. i've never dated a bengali woman, probably because i'd be hard pressed to find one that is openly gay.. but i'd love to.. i think. ok, so i'm getting off topic.. but the point is, i don't think anyone has control over who they are or aren't attracted to. i mean, really. sparks come from a very personal place.. surely we can, at the very least, feel free to let sparks fly without prejudice!

cynthia

and let's not forget that labeling a mixed-girl "white" because of her mannerisms/speech isn't exactly fair either. A person can be culturally american and as such raised within a majority paradigm but still not have the access or priveledge associated with being caucasian.(i'm taking issue with the list of mixed chicks being used to somehow supported the idea of "dating white".)This doesn't mean they've "lost" their culture. This is their culture. I'm mixed black/white, raised by my upper middle class blonde single mom on a series of Native American reservations basically on food stamps and government cheese. So what does that make me? Invariably when we (me and my brothers) try to get in with urban af am culture/people we run up against the "mixed=white" or "you're not really black" vibe but when my little bro is running down the street and white girls start clutching their bags... well, it's not like he has the time or the responsibility to explain how he's "not really black" so the person in question might want to re-think their sterotypical response. I guess all i'm really saying is there needs to be a far less structured mindset about color equaling culture and more of a focus on value/experience compatability. (sorry for the long post. This just struck a nerve :-]

kristina

It's like you were reading my mind. I was thinking about this very topic the other day. Given my track record of interracial dalliances, I often wonder if the person I end up with will look just like me. I feel like a hypocrite saying that it's okay for me to date boys who happen to be of other ethnicities for now, but when it comes to marriage I need to bring home a black man.

On the other hand, I'm deathly afraid of the possibility of raising kids in a vanilla environment where they don't feel any connection to their black culture. I don't want McMansions, strip malls, and good (read:white) schools. Something tells me I will end up with some hardcore Afrocentric separatist like one of the dudes from dead prez or something, if only to counter the effects of homogeny and assimilation. Either way I never want to trade in my own brown skin or the diverse circles I travel in for a white picket fence. Thank you for your words. They made perfect sense to me.

Laura

Personally, I wouldn't be able to trust anyone who dates exclusively/exclusionarily, because that person has already placed judgment on who I am to them and what they will be expecting from me. No thanks. As for "white people" specifically, I am still working out my personal policy on the matter. Theoretically, I have a hard time with the concept these days, although I know this could be a phase or is otherwise not set in stone.

But I'm with Monique on this. Being from SoCA has a lot to do with it - I call it "invisible spectacle syndrome", where the major "minority" is Latino...sometimes you can get with them, and also have crushes on the white or Asian kids (although there were even fewer Asians than Blacks where I grew up). But the racial anxieties still center on the black/white/skin-tone/hair texture axis. My sense was that you can admire them and appreciate them for who they are as individuals up close, but the dating pool is really extended to Blacks and Latinos.

It's not so much that the individuals will be the problem - it's the sad prospect of having to deal with their potentially racist family members and other peers that make them less desirable as partners.

3 words: Can't. Be Bothered.

lynne

this is interesting i was just contemplating this morning, as this week i discussed multiculturalism with my students...that America is no longer black and white. there will be no black and white. there will be multiracial, multiethnic, multicultural peoples. long gone the ethnic enclaves. do i think the melting pot will no longer be a myth? perhaps, for even now, everyday this country seems less and less WASP-like, and i say this from the cultural perspective more than anything else. structurally, it is still a WASP world, no doubt.

this post was a real taking off the blankets type joint, thanks for sharing jason.

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